Kintsukuroi: “to repair with gold”; the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken
I’m currently standing on the line between giving up and seeing how much more I can take. Whenever I find myself doubting how far I can go, I remember how far I have come, everything I have faced, all the battles I have won, and most importantly all the fears I have overcome. Just as in cracked pottery pieces repaired with gold, I am also more beautiful for having been broken. Many of my cracks too have been repaired with gold.
“She was a wicked slip of a girl. She burned too bright for this world.”
Healing doesn’t mean that the damage never existed. Healing means the damage no longer controls my life. People tend to think I’m so invincible, but just touch me and I’ll wince. I have secrets and I trust no one. I’m the perfect example of betrayal because everyone that I’ve ever trusted, broke me. There is a hell believe me I have seen it. I am the girl who is always there for people when they need it. I’m also the girl who faces many issues alone, but will still do anything to see someone else smile.
All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul and they will never notice how broken you really are. Even when I’m so lonely that it hurts, I’d rather be alone. Sometimes I just need to be alone so I can cry without being judged, or so I can think without being interrupted, but mainly it’s just so I don’t bring anyone else down with me.
“You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering.”
I feel so much pain because I have realized that people say they understand, but actually have no idea how deep is the darkness that I am hiding inside. I sometimes think I want nothing more than to disappear, but all I really want is to be found. If I let you in, please don’t break anything. When I’m alone, I think. When I think, I remember. When I remember, I feel pain. When I feel pain, I cry. When I cry, I can’t stop……….Please don’t leave me alone.
Don’t kiss me if you’re afraid of thunder. My life is a storm. I would be lying if I said there were not times that I am an earthquake contained inside this skin. John Lennon once said, “When you’re drowning you don’t say ‘I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come help me,’ you just scream.” A passionate woman is worth the chaos.
Some say I’m too sensitive, but the truth is that I just feel too much. Every word, every action, and every energy goes straight to my heart. Being both soft and strong is a combination very few have mastered. I will never again apologize for being sensitive or emotional. It’s a sign that I have a big heart, and that I’m not afraid to let others see it. Showing emotion is a sign of strength. I will not let anyone tell me otherwise. I am not “too much” and if you feel that way, then you are too little.
I was scared again. Seems like I was scared a lot these days. Time for a deep breathe and another plunge in. It is the only way to get where I want to go. So in I went. I still get vey high and very low in life daily, but I’ve finally accepted the fact that sensitive is just how I was made, I don’t have to hide it, and that I don’t have to fix it because I am not broken. My eyes are often full of tears(I could not tell you why) and sometimes a flood from my heart just seems to pour itself out. Well I’ve cried, and you’d think I’d be better for it, but the sadness just sleeps and stays in my spine.
“You,” he said, “are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.”
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