Some days, I break.

It’s both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. I spent 17+ years of my life coping and honestly not feeling. Right before I turned 18 I put myself in counseling and knew it wasn’t healthy for me to not be attached to anyone. I needed to stop isolating myself and actually allow people in. It was the scariest thing I had have made a decision to do. I had to learn what feelings were and what each one meant. I needed to pinpoint why and what triggered each feeling. I had been stopping myself from feeling both bad and good things, but as I got closer to 18 I started feeling depressed and extreme sadness and I knew I needed to allow myself to feel good emotions too in order to help balance me out.
The moment I began to feel I would feel way too deeply. I cried for the first time in years and I cried a lot! I am a very passionate person and I realize that I care way too deeply. I struggle with depression daily and I feel extreme lows and I am very alone which doesn’t help. I am a person who truly means everything I say and I catch myself thinking others do as well just to find out that everyone lies. I am a terribly honest person and I do say too much. I have never had anything to lose so I have never held back or bite my tongue.
I am mistaken for crazy and overly emotional and it’s hard to explain that I’m simply passionate. Some say I’m too sensitive, but the truth is I feel too much. Every word, every action, and every energy goes straight to my heart. I care too much and I’m sorry for that sometimes. I’m often an emotional wreck and it’s extremely hard for me to accept. I’m not the typical female and I’ve always been “one of the guys” and never cried or felt too many emotions.
Now I’m trying to cope with these feelings and it’s really starting to get in the way of my life. I get way too overwhelmed way too quickly and I just want to feel the highs not all these lows. My life has always been one bad thing after another and that’s why I didn’t want to feel a thing. I thought being able to finally control my own life I would have less of these bad things, but it’s beginning to be worse. I am at an all time low.
People always look up to me and know me for my strength. No one ever sees me fall or even get weak at the knees. I carry all this weight on my shoulders and when I fall I am alone with no help in sight. I have helped and continue to help everyone I possibley can and no one ever has me in their thoughts. I know I am strong and I can handle anything, but I wish I didn’t have to always do it alone! Just because I can doesn’t mean I should have to. The main problem with always being that strong girl, is that no one ever thinks to be there for me. I love to be alone and I value my alone time greatly, being alone creates strength and allows me to grow, however I hate to admit I am lonely. I am not crazy, I am just lonely, and loneliness is one hell of a drug.

“Mother” is a name you haven’t earned yet.

I tend to give some people way too many chances, while I fail to give others “enough” chances. My whole life people have and continue to let me down. I realize I have the right to remove toxic people from my life. Too many people owe it to me to prove themselves in order to be in my life or else I will cut them off completely. It may sound a bit too harsh to some people, but if you lived my life you would have a better understanding as to why I need to be so harsh. I am content with being alone and dealing with things alone. I have one person in my life at the moment, he is my boyfriend and it’s a huge work in progress, but I do love him and I love having him around. Anyways, back to giving people chances and being let down and eliminating toxic relationships:
I am adopted and I do not have the best relationship with my adoptive “parents” things were really hard for me growing up, I was taken away from my biological “mother”(I put that title in quotes because she is not deserving of the title. She is the female equivalent of a sperm donor) when I was almost 10 years old so I have always known who she was and remembered her along with way more than anyone should truly remember from that age and younger.
So just last year beginning of June I took a huge chance and decided to move out of state to attempt to build a relationship with this woman who is considered my “mother”. We had talked online and over the phone and things seemed to be a thousand times better for her, she had a job for 6+ years, she had been sober not using drugs, she had been with the same man for 6+ years, she had her own apartment in southern CA, ect. So I decided it would be a good idea for me to see for myself and give her a chance to be a part of my life in one way or another. I knew it would never be the typical mother daughter relationship, but I knew how bad she wanted to be in my life and I knew it would help me grow and move on no matter the outcome.
I got a plane ticket and moved out of state to somewhere completely new where I knew nobody and I gave up a lot and left everything behind for her. The decision was really rushed and I truly didn’t think about it as much as I should have, but it was too late and I was there, getting off the plane.
For about half a year things were going okay considering the awkward circumstances. We didn’t talk a whole lot, she is a whole lot more sensitive than I am and she was pretty nervous to bring things up. Every once in a while something would be brought up and she would cry and it would break her heart because she “didn’t even have a clue it had happened”, but we seemed to get over that and things were okay until I noticed she had broken a promise she had made to me.
When I moved there I found out she had smoked marijuana and I was not and am not okay with that from her, being how she lost me, her child, to drug use. She promised to not smoke it while I was living there and I later found out she was lying and hiding it behind my back. I never directly brought it up because I was waiting to see how it would turn out. I hinted at it at times and she would lie or blow it off.
Finally, the last straw had broke my back. It was the day before my 19th birthday(the first birthday she had been in my life for in 10+ years) and she was so lazy and never wanted to do anything, but it was a special occasion and I had plans the next couple days on my birthday with my boyfriend so the day before would be hers and my only chance to celebrate and hangout. Her fiancé and I kept asking her all day if she wanted to go BBQ or swim or anything and she would say, “no”. She didn’t get out of bed all damn day. I was pretty upset and just fed up to begin with. I mean how could she be so damn lazy on the one birthday she had me “home” for in 10+ years!? Then, about 9pm her best friend called and she jumps out of bed and says she’s going to go to the store with her(I kinda heard the conversation and knew exactly what she was doing).
She shows up an hour later high as hell and suddenly she wants to be all talkative and nice and friendly to me. Well, HELL NO. I was not okay with it and so I confronted her being high and it blew up into a huge fight and I left crying. I was devastated that she would choose drugs over me AGAIN. She even had the nerve to tell me “I’m going to smoke, if you don’t like it, you can leave!” And that I never should have come!!! I couldn’t believe it…well I guess I could have believed it because that’s the same person I remembered when I was a kid.
A couple days pass and I’m planning on leaving; when, how, where, ect. Things are awkward with no words being exchanged at all, until there are some wildfires close to where we live and we had to talk to because things were serious and so we had small talk just about the fires and such.
After all the fires were over with and put out(bout a week later), her fiancé and I are talking about having an exterminator come and spray for the gnats. They were all over our kitchen and living room and it was just gross. She over hears our conversation and responds with “Thursday is my day off and I am not going anywhere!!” Example of how lazy she truly is. Thursday would be the best day because the dog had an appointment to be fixed at the vet and so the three of us would just need to be gone for 3 hours. We wouldnt have to worry about finding a place for the dog. We could go eat or swim or anything just 3 hours and then the house would be gnat free! She refused and I was pissed off and not on friendly terms with her as is and I called her lazy and said if it was 3 hours for her to go get high she would’ve been there. It turned into a HUGE fight where she yelled at me saying she doesn’t want me and never wanted me, she kicked me out, threw my belongings all over the floor, and then she took off with her friend to go get high. I packed up all my stuff and had my boyfriend come move me into this bedroom at this old woman’s house who offered me the room.
The story from there didn’t turn out too sweet and things went bad with the old lady i moved in with, but we won’t get into that today. Moral of the story, I have removed that toxic relationship from my life and I am proud of myself for taking the chance and attempting to do the right thing, but I am happier now that she is not a part of my life. Less stress. It’s kind of a sad ending, but I don’t think she deserves me in her life. If she deserved me and truly wanted me in her life she would have stopped smoking marijuana while I was there, but she wouldn’t give it up for me and so I will not give up my time or energy for her. I’ve lived 10+ years without her, not to mention the 9 years with her was the same as being without her, so I don’t need her now. I do not regret the chance I took, it has taught me a lot. Blood does not guarantee you a spot in my “family”. The word “family” has little to no meaning to me. I am strong, and I am moving on.