Some days, I break.

It’s both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. I spent 17+ years of my life coping and honestly not feeling. Right before I turned 18 I put myself in counseling and knew it wasn’t healthy for me to not be attached to anyone. I needed to stop isolating myself and actually allow people in. It was the scariest thing I had have made a decision to do. I had to learn what feelings were and what each one meant. I needed to pinpoint why and what triggered each feeling. I had been stopping myself from feeling both bad and good things, but as I got closer to 18 I started feeling depressed and extreme sadness and I knew I needed to allow myself to feel good emotions too in order to help balance me out.
The moment I began to feel I would feel way too deeply. I cried for the first time in years and I cried a lot! I am a very passionate person and I realize that I care way too deeply. I struggle with depression daily and I feel extreme lows and I am very alone which doesn’t help. I am a person who truly means everything I say and I catch myself thinking others do as well just to find out that everyone lies. I am a terribly honest person and I do say too much. I have never had anything to lose so I have never held back or bite my tongue.
I am mistaken for crazy and overly emotional and it’s hard to explain that I’m simply passionate. Some say I’m too sensitive, but the truth is I feel too much. Every word, every action, and every energy goes straight to my heart. I care too much and I’m sorry for that sometimes. I’m often an emotional wreck and it’s extremely hard for me to accept. I’m not the typical female and I’ve always been “one of the guys” and never cried or felt too many emotions.
Now I’m trying to cope with these feelings and it’s really starting to get in the way of my life. I get way too overwhelmed way too quickly and I just want to feel the highs not all these lows. My life has always been one bad thing after another and that’s why I didn’t want to feel a thing. I thought being able to finally control my own life I would have less of these bad things, but it’s beginning to be worse. I am at an all time low.
People always look up to me and know me for my strength. No one ever sees me fall or even get weak at the knees. I carry all this weight on my shoulders and when I fall I am alone with no help in sight. I have helped and continue to help everyone I possibley can and no one ever has me in their thoughts. I know I am strong and I can handle anything, but I wish I didn’t have to always do it alone! Just because I can doesn’t mean I should have to. The main problem with always being that strong girl, is that no one ever thinks to be there for me. I love to be alone and I value my alone time greatly, being alone creates strength and allows me to grow, however I hate to admit I am lonely. I am not crazy, I am just lonely, and loneliness is one hell of a drug.