An earthquake contained inside this skin

Kintsukuroi: “to repair with gold”; the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer and understanding that the piece is more beautiful for having been broken

I’m currently standing on the line between giving up and seeing how much more I can take. Whenever I find myself doubting how far I can go, I remember how far I have come, everything I have faced, all the battles I have won, and most importantly all the fears I have overcome. Just as in cracked pottery pieces repaired with gold, I am also more beautiful for having been broken. Many of my cracks too have been repaired with gold.

“She was a wicked slip of a girl. She burned too bright for this world.”

Healing doesn’t mean that the damage never existed. Healing means the damage no longer controls my life. People tend to think I’m so invincible, but just touch me and I’ll wince. I have secrets and I trust no one. I’m the perfect example of betrayal because everyone that I’ve ever trusted, broke me. There is a hell believe me I have seen it. I am the girl who is always there for people when they need it. I’m also the girl who faces many issues alone, but will still do anything to see someone else smile.
All it takes is a beautiful fake smile to hide an injured soul and they will never notice how broken you really are. Even when I’m so lonely that it hurts, I’d rather be alone. Sometimes I just need to be alone so I can cry without being judged, or so I can think without being interrupted, but mainly it’s just so I don’t bring anyone else down with me.
“You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering.”
I feel so much pain because I have realized that people say they understand, but actually have no idea how deep is the darkness that I am hiding inside. I sometimes think I want nothing more than to disappear, but all I really want is to be found. If I let you in, please don’t break anything. When I’m alone, I think. When I think, I remember. When I remember, I feel pain. When I feel pain, I cry. When I cry, I can’t stop……….Please don’t leave me alone.
Don’t kiss me if you’re afraid of thunder. My life is a storm. I would be lying if I said there were not times that I am an earthquake contained inside this skin. John Lennon once said, “When you’re drowning you don’t say ‘I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come help me,’ you just scream.” A passionate woman is worth the chaos.
Some say I’m too sensitive, but the truth is that I just feel too much. Every word, every action, and every energy goes straight to my heart. Being both soft and strong is a combination very few have mastered. I will never again apologize for being sensitive or emotional. It’s a sign that I have a big heart, and that I’m not afraid to let others see it. Showing emotion is a sign of strength. I will not let anyone tell me otherwise. I am not “too much” and if you feel that way, then you are too little.
I was scared again. Seems like I was scared a lot these days. Time for a deep breathe and another plunge in. It is the only way to get where I want to go. So in I went. I still get vey high and very low in life daily, but I’ve finally accepted the fact that sensitive is just how I was made, I don’t have to hide it, and that I don’t have to fix it because I am not broken. My eyes are often full of tears(I could not tell you why) and sometimes a flood from my heart just seems to pour itself out. Well I’ve cried, and you’d think I’d be better for it, but the sadness just sleeps and stays in my spine.

“You,” he said, “are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.”

There’s a diamond under all this dust.

“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.”

Freeing myself of the dust of my past was exhausting. Who knew dust could be so heavy? Who knew the fresh air would be so exhilarating?

Sometimes you just have to die a little inside in order to be reborn and rise again as a stronger and wiser version of yourself. Have a good cry. Wash out your heart. If you keep it inside, it’ll tear you apart.
First you feel like dying, then you feel reborn. Until you’re broken, you don’t know what you’re made of. It gives you the ability to build yourself all over again, but stronger than ever before. Don’t pay attention to the world ending. For me, it has ended many times, and began again in the morning.
My whole life I’ve been telling myself, “Don’t be afraid.” It’s only now that I am realizing how stupid that is. “Don’t be afraid” is like saying “Don’t move out of the way when someone tried to punch you” or “Don’t flinch at the heat of a fire” or “Don’t blink.” Don’t be human.
I’m afraid and you’re afraid and we’re all always going to be afraid because that’s the point. What o should be telling myself is, “Be afraid, but do it anyway.”
They say that your story is the key that can unlock someone else’s prison so share your testimony. We all have our own ways of moving on, sharing our stories, and growing as an individual.

“Tattoos have a power and magic all their own. They decorate the body, but they also enhance the soul”

A tattoo is on your body forever and if you’re willing to suffer the pain, you’re not just doing it for the hell of it. There must be something strong behind it. Personally, I have a few tattoos, each with such great power and beauty behind each one. They each help me move forward in one way or another. My tattoos are constant reminders for me in my life as an individual to remind me of who I am.
Recently I added a new addition, it is a tattoo of a deer skull on my rib cage. This tattoo has such a powerful meaning to me that I feel the need to share it with anyone willing to listen. This tattoo represents life, death, and rebirth. This tattoo is all about leaving the past behind me and moving on with the good in my life. I had one hell of a childhood filled with so much pain as well as my start into adulthood.
This last year and a half has been full of unwanted battles and hurtles. I have experienced a lot of pain. I have cried over and over again. I have wanted to die and just put an end to the misery, however, I managed to remain strong and get through it all. I am now moving on to the next chapter of my life and wanting to have an optimistic outlook leaving the negative behind.
For me, this tattoo was the perfect start in this next chapter as it represents leaving the negatives in the past and focusing on the positives in the future. It represents the love I have for myself and others. It is a constant reminder of who I am and where I plan to go.

I survived my past battles and hardships because the fire inside me burned brighter than the fire around me.

“Bury your past, let flowers grow where they lay.”

Some days, I break.

It’s both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply. I spent 17+ years of my life coping and honestly not feeling. Right before I turned 18 I put myself in counseling and knew it wasn’t healthy for me to not be attached to anyone. I needed to stop isolating myself and actually allow people in. It was the scariest thing I had have made a decision to do. I had to learn what feelings were and what each one meant. I needed to pinpoint why and what triggered each feeling. I had been stopping myself from feeling both bad and good things, but as I got closer to 18 I started feeling depressed and extreme sadness and I knew I needed to allow myself to feel good emotions too in order to help balance me out.
The moment I began to feel I would feel way too deeply. I cried for the first time in years and I cried a lot! I am a very passionate person and I realize that I care way too deeply. I struggle with depression daily and I feel extreme lows and I am very alone which doesn’t help. I am a person who truly means everything I say and I catch myself thinking others do as well just to find out that everyone lies. I am a terribly honest person and I do say too much. I have never had anything to lose so I have never held back or bite my tongue.
I am mistaken for crazy and overly emotional and it’s hard to explain that I’m simply passionate. Some say I’m too sensitive, but the truth is I feel too much. Every word, every action, and every energy goes straight to my heart. I care too much and I’m sorry for that sometimes. I’m often an emotional wreck and it’s extremely hard for me to accept. I’m not the typical female and I’ve always been “one of the guys” and never cried or felt too many emotions.
Now I’m trying to cope with these feelings and it’s really starting to get in the way of my life. I get way too overwhelmed way too quickly and I just want to feel the highs not all these lows. My life has always been one bad thing after another and that’s why I didn’t want to feel a thing. I thought being able to finally control my own life I would have less of these bad things, but it’s beginning to be worse. I am at an all time low.
People always look up to me and know me for my strength. No one ever sees me fall or even get weak at the knees. I carry all this weight on my shoulders and when I fall I am alone with no help in sight. I have helped and continue to help everyone I possibley can and no one ever has me in their thoughts. I know I am strong and I can handle anything, but I wish I didn’t have to always do it alone! Just because I can doesn’t mean I should have to. The main problem with always being that strong girl, is that no one ever thinks to be there for me. I love to be alone and I value my alone time greatly, being alone creates strength and allows me to grow, however I hate to admit I am lonely. I am not crazy, I am just lonely, and loneliness is one hell of a drug.

S.E.C.R.E.T proper noun: Secret

Hello,
My name is Secret. No, not a secret. Proper noun: Secret. I’ll spell it out for you: S.E.C.R.E.T. Yes, it is my birth given name.
I have a unique story, aka my life:
I had an extremely rough childhood, I was the oldest of three children of whom I ended up raising as soon as I could “take care” of myself(age 6ish). My “mother” was a single parent, drug addict, and homeless. She was not fit to be a parent by any means. In fact we moved from place to place by walking, slept on anyone’s floor who would allow us to so that my “mother” could get her drugs, I had been to about 13 different schools before I hit 3rd grade, I was raising my two younger siblings, not attending school because I was bullied, sent home from school if I went because of head lice, didn’t have clean clothes to wear, wasn’t eating, sleeping on the side of the road, being sexually abused by many grown men, verbally and physically abused by my “mother”, ect. Finally, at age 9 almost 10 I was taken away from my “mother” by the state. I was put into an orphanage/group home and then into one foster family to the next where I was adopted. Sounds bitter sweet, however, it still wasn’t my happy beginning. The family who adopted me also adopted my twos younger siblings which is absolutely wonderful to keep us 3 together. However, they wanted a baby girl my sister’s age(not even 2) and it was always made apparent who they favored and always really wanted. They are good people, they just took on more than they can chew. They didn’t know how to parent me and give me the love and affection that I needed. They didn’t know how to open their arms fully and let me in. I was and still feel like a black sheep in my family. To me the word “family” does not have the same effect as it does to most. “Family” is not something that important to me because I’ve never really had one. Needles to say my childhood wasn’t the only hardship and struggle I have had to face. In fact, I continue to find myself going through hell. I am all alone in this great big world attempting to find myself and build my own life without other people’s choices controlling my life. It’s my turn.